You’ve probably heard the term “people pleaser” thrown around before. Maybe it’s even a term you’d use to describe yourself.
Let’s break it down:
“People pleasing” refers to a person’s intense desire to please others in an attempt to gain approval or avoid conflict. This habitual behavior, when left unchecked, can become unhealthy and even toxic. It can lead to:
- Inauthentic relationships
- Unhealthy habits in your life
- Burnout (result of saying “yes” to too many things)
- Resentment towards people in your life
“But Sarah, isn’t it GOOD to do nice things for other people?”
Of course it is…but this kind of behavior is different from kindness. Let me explain:
Truly kind actions are motivated by a desire to care for another person. In other words, while these actions are “other-focused”, they typically don’t cause any personal detriment for the giver themselves.
For example, I may choose to pick up my husband’s favorite snack from the grocery store, simply because he likes it and I know it will bring a smile to his face. I don’t earn anything from this gift and it doesn’t hurt me in any way to do it.
The same purchase, from a people pleaser perspective, may look like the same thing, but the motivation is typically “self-focused” toward a specific result.
- “He’ll like me if I do this.” (Approval)
- “I’ll say yes, because if I said no, he might get irritated with me.” (Avoid conflict)
People pleasing often leads to neglecting your own needs or desires in an attempt to earn the approval of another.
Here’s another example. If your boss asks you to stay late, well beyond your normal or contractual hours, you may feel like you need to say “yes” in order to stay in your employer’s good graces. However, if this pattern becomes a regular occurrence, it will undoubtedly begin to have a negative effect on you and your home life.
So, let’s get more specific. What other ways does people-pleasing SHOW UP in daily life? Here are a few examples:
- Pretending to agree with everyone (whether or not you actually do)
- Always saying “yes” when asked to do something — even if you don’t have the time, desire, etc.
- Feeling very uncomfortable when others are upset with you
- Apologizing often (whether or not you’ve done something wrong)
If this is feeling a little too familiar, don’t worry! There are steps you can take to overcome a habit of pleasing people just to gain approval or avoid conflict.
- Start by saying “no” to something small.
- Identify which relationships take advantage of your people pleasing nature and draw some clear boundaries.
- Consider working with a therapist or counselor to overcome deeper struggles that may be fueling your people-pleasing.
Remember: as with all personal growth goals, it takes time and practice. This habit is often deeply ingrained behavior and changing it will require one small baby step after another.
Finally, if you’re ready to join a community of people who truly support you (whether or not you DO anything for them), I invite you to join the waitlist for my Brilliant Leaders membership program.
We are a community of motivated women, ready and willing to support you in forming healthier habits and reaching for bigger goals. Click HERE to join the waitlist today!
Article was contributed by: Maria Lees, Team Writer with Sarah Boxx
