How surprised would you be to learn that three of my most helpful tips came from a waitress, an award- winning gardener, and a 13-year old?
As a consultant and a coach, I work with groups of all types and sizes. Sometimes they are linked in some way – working for or with the same organization, or championing a similar cause. Other times they are diverse and even distrusting of one another, having come together to create something new or solve a problem none could do alone. Whether large or small, established or newly formed, these types of individual and group interactions are where the magic of change happens. These are the times people (including me) continue to learn and grow from one another, resolve differences and solve complex problems. With all my love and enjoyment for this type of work and the results it brings, you might think I am an extrovert – especially with the amount of personal engagement and group facilitation that I do.
Truth is, I’m an introvert. More precisely, an INFP. Depending on what source you use, INFPs represent only a small percentage of the population, ranging from 4% to 14%. Nobody was more surprised than I was to learn that I typed as an “INFP” on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, more than two decades ago. A result that has been consistent over the years as I’ve repeated the MBTI and other validated type and trait assessment tools.
At the time, it just didn’t seem to fit. In fact, it seemed counterintuitive. I equated introversion with shyness and social isolation. That didn’t seem to describe me. I had successfully run my own businesses, taught self-empowerment classes to women in California, Nevada and New York, served as the Executive Director of two nonprofits, and consulted nationally with other public and private child advocacy professionals to establish multidisciplinary teams to respond to missing and exploited children.
Never did I think I would be typed as an introvert, but there was more for me to learn. This inquisitiveness and desire to understand myself on a deeper level led me to read many books and articles on different personality types and strengths.
As I came to understand more about introversion and myself in particular, it started to make sense.
I began to understand why I preferred to read or just be quiet rather than going out with “the team” after a 10 or 12 hour day interacting with people. I became aware of my general aversion to participating in unstructured networking or large group meetings and events. Yet, as uncomfortable as these situations seemed at times, I made myself stretch and connect. From my viewpoint, it was (and is) the only path forward to making a difference in the world.
If you can relate, finding yourself a bit uncomfortable in social gatherings or groups of strangers, but have a driving need to push through so you can accomplish what you believe in, I encourage you to read on.
Today, going into those situations is so much easier and in fact, it has become enjoyable. Especially after learning to reframe and apply a couple simple suggestions and tips. These “life tips” were learned from a waitress, a smart friend, and many years later, from simply observing a 13-year old. Sometimes wisdom is found in the most unexpected places, small treasures we carry with us for the rest of our lives.
- Let go. You are not responsible for other people’s enjoyment, or their poor behavior. I tend to scan my environment, almost passively, and am aware of the energy and feelings of others. It’s my empathetic side and a desire for others to feel good. For a long time I would cringe when I was in a group and someone would do or say something that was purposefully or inadvertently rude or hurtful. Truth? I still cringe a bit today when that happens. But now I no longer feel responsible (unless, of course, I am the person in charge). That is largely in part to a tip shared by a waitress many years ago.I was having breakfast with 5 or 6 of my family members. One of them became upset and indignant at some point in the meal and started get louder to gain attention. That family member was rude and disrespectful, which didn’t help the situation. It was embarrassing! I still remember feeling bad for the wait staff. Later, as we were leaving the restaurant I took our waitress aside and apologized. After all, it was my family and I felt their behavior reflected poorly on me as well. And that’s when she surprised me with a bit of wisdom that became the key to letting go of others’ behavior as my responsibility – and also paying attention to the company I keep. Take this tip to heart, as it rings true in every situation we may face.
“I appreciate your thoughts, however you didn’t do anything. When people are rude we recognize it for what it is. We try to remain courteous while doing our jobs. But don’t be mistaken, we all know who the actual “problem” is.”
- Be a kid, just pretend. What? This advice was offered by an amazing woman who described herself as shy and not at all a fan of crowds. This surprised me because she seemed to be very outgoing and gregarious. She could come into any room of people and within 10 or 15 minutes have them talking and engaged with each other. How was that possible, especially for a shy person? So I asked her what her trick was.“It’s not that difficult.” she said. “First, I focus on the other people in the room. I learned a long time ago that most everyone is a little nervous and uncomfortable when they walk into an unfamiliar situation, like a room full of strangers. So I pretend that I am the host of the room – whether or not I am. I make it my intention to walk in, greet people warmly, find out something about them and then engage them in conversation with someone else in the room. Now they feel included. It not only gives me a job to do (play the host) it takes my focus off me and places it on others. I find I relax and am able to enjoy myself even more.”My friend’s approach not only worked, it made real sense. Helping others has been shown to positively affect the impact of stress (like being new in groups, and walking into unfamiliar situations, etc.) on emotions and mental health. Findings from a study done by Emily Ansell of Yale University School of Medicine suggested that doing small things for others helps us feel better, especially on stressful days.I’d like to tell you that the first time I tried her approach (pretending to be the host) it was easy, but it was still a little uncomfortable, a little phony feeling. Even so, I had a much better experience than when I used my typical style. And, the more I practiced shifting my focus, the easier it got. Now, it’s rare that I dread going into events or groups where I don’t know anyone. I just remind myself that my job is to connect and learn about others, helping to make them feel more at ease.
- Respect and heed the need to regroup and recharge. This is one of those things that intellectually, I’ve known for years. Periodically, I would give myself the space to regroup and recharge. But more often than not, I would ignore my body and emotional cues, urging me to rest quietly. Over the past couple of years, I’ve become serious about taking time for me. But still, it can be challenging, as others around me are going full steam ahead, working hard and fast, and seem to be doing all right.Encouragement to take care of myself most recently came from a surprising source, a 13-year old who is living life on the autism spectrum. Once she hits her own “wall” from too much input and stimulation, she needs quiet space. If she doesn’t get that, she experiences a meltdown. It’s not a tantrum, she isn’t being willful. The environmental stressors add up, overwhelm sets in and she just can’t cope.This past holiday season, after a couple of hours and a lot of people and noise, she walked up to her mom and asked, “Can I go play in my room now? I’m tired of all these people.” I loved the directness of the question, and her self-awareness to know she needed time alone. She gave us a hug, said good night, and went to her room. Since that night I have consistently taken my cue from her. At the end of a meeting, a day, an activity, or other times I’ve hit my own wall, I cut myself some slack, excuse myself and take time out. The later in the day, the less likely you are to see me return.
There are so many opportunities to learn from those we encounter in life, we just need to keep our mind open and our perspectives fresh. If you take away only one thing from my story, I hope it’s this: no matter your personality type, perceived limitations, history or background – you can always find wisdom in others, wisdom that you can apply to your own life. Think back, when was the last “life tip” you learned? How can you help others by sharing that wisdom?
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References for percentages of INFP’s
INFP=roughly 14% of the population – https://mypersonality.info/personality-types/population-gender/
Personality Aspects – Diplomats, INFP “the Mediator” – says 4% https://www.16personalities.com/infp-personality
