Fact: people receive love in different ways.
This unique difference between individuals is known as The Five Love Languages. Perhaps you’re familiar with this concept? If not – check out my recent blog post, “Do You Feel the Love?” I’ve unpacked each of the five love languages.
So, let’s review…
We all feel loved in different ways. The specific things that make me feel loved, cherished, and valued may be very different from the things that help reinforce feelings of love and acceptance for you.
Why is this important to know?
Understanding the unique language in which your loved ones feel and receive love will help you more intentionally care for them. Being able to “speak their language” and ideally, receive love in your own primary love language, will lead to stronger, healthier, more intimate relationships.
Sounds simple, right? There’s only one problem…
We don’t always choose the right language.
In fact, most of us will naturally default to expressing love in our own primary love language rather than the primary love languages of those we care about.
Let me give you an example:
When my husband and I were first married, I’d pull him onto the couch each evening when he returned from work asking a million eager questions about his day.
“How was work honey?”
“How did that meeting go?”
“Did you enjoy your lunch today?”
He’d respond to my questions with a short, “Oh, it was fine. Things were good!” before moving on to make his lunch for the morning, head to the gym for a workout, or any number of other items on his “to-do” list.
I was pissed.
Couldn’t he see the effort I was making to love him?! To show him interest and concern?
There was just one issue…
Quality time is not my husband’s primary love language. It’s mine.
This is a very common situation that pops up in relationships.
We assume that everyone in our life needs and appreciates the same things we do. However, if our loved ones have different love languages than us (and they often do) this can leave them feeling unloved or unappreciated (even if we truly believe we are going “above and beyond” to love them well.)
You want to fill MY cup? An hour of good, quality conversation is sure to do it! My husband on the other hand appreciates acts of service more than just about anything.
Trying to express my love and affection using only my own primary love language was like trying to speak to my husband in Mandarin and then getting mad when he didn’t understand what I was saying.
It’s taken some time, but I’ve learned that small acts of service like making our bed each morning and ensuring that we don’t run out of dishwashing detergent mean far more to that man than hours of personal questions and deep conversation ever could.
Learning to love well means choosing to speak THEIR language not our own. Here are a few practical tips to get you started:
- Have a “love languages” conversation.
If you haven’t already, take some time to discuss love languages with your loved ones. Ask them what things help them to feel valued and appreciated. - Be observant.
Take time to listen and pay attention to the ways in which your loved ones respond to your actions. When you offer love in their primary love language, their response is likely to be different from their response to other kind or thoughtful actions. Take note of any patterns you notice.
- Be intentional.
Since our loved ones often have different love languages than us, it probably won’t come naturally for us to love them. This may require us to do some pre-planning. Personally, I’ve found intentionally planning one specific action each day helps me to be intentional with offering love in his language, not my own.
“Today, I will love my spouse/partner/friend by ________________________.”
Have you noticed differences in love languages affecting the dynamic of your relationships? I’d love to hear! Drop a comment below or send me an email at sarah@sarahboxx.com and share your love language story!
Article was contributed by: Maria Lees, Team Writer with Sarah Boxx
