When we talk about the Enneagram, typically we are discussing the profound ways this tool can be used to deepen your understanding of yourself. After all, the classification of “personality assessment” would imply that it’s, well, “personal.”
However, I’ve found that the benefits of the Enneagram tool don’t stop with yourself. It can also be an invaluable resource in understanding and strengthening your relationships, specifically those nearest and dearest to you.
The Enneagram and Romantic Partnerships
While the use of a personality assessment might not immediately sound “romantic,” it’s not uncommon for couples that make use of the Enneagram tool in their relationships to see enhanced communication, reduced conflict, and appreciation for their partner.
Why?
A choice to use the Enneagram is a choice to better understand your partner. (Hint: That’s always a good thing when it comes to strengthening life partnerships.)
Understanding yourself and your partner at a deeper level is only going to strengthen your relationship. Knowledge is power, right? The more you know, the better equipped you will be to respond appropriately to the nuances of your partner’s personality and the greater discipline you can have over yourself.
How To Use The Enneagram in Your Relationship:
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- Start with yourself: If you haven’t taken the test to discover your unique personality type, I highly encourage you to start there. With this information, you’ll likely begin to notice patterns in your personal behaviors and responses.
For example, you may begin to notice situations that commonly trigger anger or anxiety for you. You may find that certain experiences or actions from your partner contribute to these feelings.
On the flip side, you’ll hopefully also begin to take note of the things that bring you peace, joy, and fulfillment. You’ll notice the things your partner does that help you to be a healthier version of you.
- Start with yourself: If you haven’t taken the test to discover your unique personality type, I highly encourage you to start there. With this information, you’ll likely begin to notice patterns in your personal behaviors and responses.
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- Invite your partner to discover their type: While understanding yourself is a great start, the true depth and benefit comes when both partners are able to understand each other more profoundly.
In other words, the gains will be greater when both individuals discover and take ownership of their unique type.
Important Note: You may feel tempted to try and guess your partner’s type or help them to answer the questions…resist this urge. (Trust me, there’s a good chance you’ll be wrong.)
So much of what makes up our unique Enneagram types is a deeply personal and internal experience. In other words, it’s difficult to guess an Enneagram type based on external behaviors (Yes, even for spouses that know each other well.)
- Invite your partner to discover their type: While understanding yourself is a great start, the true depth and benefit comes when both partners are able to understand each other more profoundly.
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- Share your types: As you both begin to unpack and understand your own Enneagram type, it’s time to share the fruit of your discovery. It can be helpful to read and unpack the results together and discuss the ways in which each of you uniquely experience those results.
As you read and discuss together, be sure to take a good look at the core desires, motivations, and underlying fears experienced by each of your types. Understanding these elements about each other can go a long way in understanding the “why” behind some of your partner’s behaviors.
- Share your types: As you both begin to unpack and understand your own Enneagram type, it’s time to share the fruit of your discovery. It can be helpful to read and unpack the results together and discuss the ways in which each of you uniquely experience those results.
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- Unpack your type combination: After you each have a decent understanding of each Enneagram type, it’s time to begin looking at how the combination of your two types plays out in day-to-day life.
It’s not a secret that no two relationships are alike. Different combinations of Enneagram types will result in different relationship dynamics. The unique relationship between you and your partner will include key synergies, challenges, and conflicts that the two of you will need to address together.
This isn’t a bad thing – simply the reality of combining two unique individuals who experience the world in different ways.
Enneagram expert, Dr. David Daniels, offers an in-depth description of each of the 45 possible Enneagram type relationships in this article. I’d recommend taking time to read this description for your pairing and discuss how you see those dynamics played out in your relationship.
- Unpack your type combination: After you each have a decent understanding of each Enneagram type, it’s time to begin looking at how the combination of your two types plays out in day-to-day life.
Interested in learning more about the Enneagram and how it can be used in your own life? Erin Oeth and Sarah Boxx, Certified Enneagram Coaches are hosting a 90-minute Enneagram workshop aimed at helping you get the most out of this invaluable tool.
These workshops will include:
- An overview of the Enneagram and each of the nine types
- Interactive work on [re]discovering yourself and growing in relationship with yourself and others
Interested in joining?
Click HERE to learn more. Join before March 15th for the Early Bird Rate.
Article was contributed by: Maria Lees, Team Writer with Sarah Boxx
