“There is nothing, absolutely nothing, wasted about what has brought you to this exact moment in time. The only loss is not taking what you have and who you are and letting all of you shine brightly and powerfully into the world.”
~Sarah Boxx
Recently, I was preparing for my interview with Connie Benjamin for her Women with Fire podcast. I carved out time to reflect and consider the road I’ve traveled to this point in life; it’s many successes, and it’s many challenges, and how each forged a different aspect of who I am today. (Hence, the quote above). It also made me think about this month’s blog theme of gratitude because I am truly grateful for both my successes and setbacks. In fact, it’s been the disappointments and setbacks that have helped me grow the most (or, maybe I just remember the lessons from them because they took an effort to learn and leverage?)
But, before I share some of what I’m grateful for from a few of life’s setbacks and short-term disappointments, let’s talk about how science supports a grateful attitude and gratitude practice when it comes to resilience, satisfaction, and success in life.
Think about the last time you heard someone grousing about something that happened to them. Did you hear words like “unfair, wrong, overlooked, always happens to me, they’re stupid” being used? Was there a ring of “poor me” in the tone? A sense of resignation, acceptance and even self-pity buried somewhere in the story?
First, what is self-pity? Isn’t it just frustration, feeling sad, or wronged? Put simply self-pity is,
“A feeling of pity for yourself because you believe you have suffered more than is fair or reasonable.”
Think about that for a minute, especially in light of disappointments or setbacks. What is “fair and reasonable?” Let’s say you have a big goal – and the gap (in skills, knowledge, experience, or expertise) from where you stand today to where you need to be is wide.
Wouldn’t you, shouldn’t you expect and anticipate some setbacks as you learn and grow on your journey to bridge that gap? When things seem unfair or the road difficult, is it permission to quit?
Instead, consider the significant benefits from exchanging self-pity – or in my lingo, self-limiting beliefs or excuses – for gratitude.
Okay, before you dismiss this as unrealistic, unnecessary, too hard, too woo – woo, whatever…you should know that mentally strong (resilient) people consistently choose gratitude over self-pity.
Why? Let’s look to the science, courtesy of Psychology Today and Amy Morin, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. Various studies and research link gratitude to:
- Better relationships, and even new ones, emerge from appreciating people for their contributions and courtesies.
- Physical health. Fewer physical pains, feelings of good health, and a greater likelihood of exercising.
- Psychological health. Reduced toxic emotions, depression and increased happiness.
- Less retaliation against others, more sensitivity, and reduced desire to “even the score.”
- Improved sleep from a mere 15 minutes writing in a gratitude journal or notebook. (Ahh… I love sleeping better these days.)
- Self-esteem. Fewer social comparisons, the ability to appreciate others’ accomplishments (and their own).
- Mental strength. Reduced stress, improved resilience.
The benefits are interrelated. When sleep improves so do the hormones and chemical reactions that regulate stress, hunger/satiety, decision making, creativity, and other thought processes.
When we are embracing gratitude and increasing our awareness about what we are thankful for, our past and current conditions start to look like opportunities and doorways to where we want to go. Our setbacks and disappointments begin to look like invitations to grow into who we are meant to be, without labels (loser, failure), limits (not smart enough, too late, too old, too young), or excuses (can’t afford it, didn’t work before, won’t work, can’t happen).
“Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul.”
Now, here are a few things I’m grateful for from my life’s setbacks and short-term disappointments.
First, I am grateful to have wrinkles, some from laughing, some from frowning, and some from time passing. I’ve been around, over and through to be where I am today: happy, content, and serving others.
I am grateful for the landlord that would not rent to my boyfriend and me because we were unmarried, even though we were employed in good jobs. I learned to stand up for myself and my rights. That lesson has benefitted me many times over many years in my work advocating for others, managing and consulting organizations, and coaching individuals.
I am grateful for being paid a high salary at a young age, and then needing to make the hard choice whether to continue in that job (definite financial security and advancement) or leave to take care of my health, with no backup plan. I learned to evaluate the situation honestly and whether I could change it, trust my instincts, ask for help and guidance, then act. That gave me the courage and confidence to start a new business in a new town, where I learned what I could do when I dug deep.
And, when crummy, sad, disappointing events and obstacles appear, I am grateful to have honed what I like to call my “Pollyanna” skill. That’s when I take a breath, a step back and appreciate my life – the setbacks, disappointments, and the many successes.
“Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.”
What about you? Have you been practicing gratitude this month? Are you developing your resilience and commitment to your goals and dreams? Or, are you finding your New Year’s goals are already starting to fall by the wayside or not seem to fit?
If you consider yourself a high achiever, committed to moving forward but wondering what the next step should be, connect with me here to schedule a free, 15-minute exploration conversation. No strings – except that you have to be committed to yourself and your success.
“My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure.”
