Halting at the Gates of Change
Many times, when we think of change, we have a natural response to hesitate. Whether it be subconscious trepidation, fear or a pure desire to stay within a comfort zone. There is a natural, emotional response when we encounter change. Change often brings with it a range of internal struggles too, as we deal with obstacles, limiting beliefs or an internal dialogue trying to hold us back. Those inner struggles lead people to say, “I worry that I’m a failure or a fraud.” When those moments arise, it’s crucial to move past the mental barriers, the “locks on the gate”, so you can go through with more confidence. Moving beyond the gate opens up more possibilities and options that you cannot see standing on the “outside”. What to do when those doubts and limiting thoughts try to take root? Rather than cave into them:
- Distract yourself for a short time, in a helpful way. Find a positive or affirming book on tape and listen to it with intention. Focus on the message and meaning. What can you take away from it that helps you reframe your worry?
- Remind yourself that you are doing the best that you can in every moment and if you fail or if it doesn’t work out, it’s not the end of the world. Play a game of fact finder.
A QUICK EXERCISE: Take a blank piece of paper and draw two lines to divide it into three columns. In the first column, write the fears or worries. Then, put on your investigation “hat” and see what evidence of truth you can find that each of those fears is likely to manifest. Write the evidence or facts that support the worry in the middle column. Then, in the third column note if you have experienced these situations in the past (or if they are happening now). What have you learned or gained as a result of those experiences? How have you become stronger or more capable?
Inner Dialogues – Friend or Foe?
Earlier on, I briefly mentioned the idea of an inner dialogue. Not going to deny it, I’m human and have one too. Most often, I notice it surfacing in the middle of the day when someone wants me to do something that takes me or my attention away from what I’ve planned and need to be doing. I know that shifting gears, changing direction will have a price. I know by stopping and doing what was asked, I will help them in the short run, making them feel better and successful. I also know that by doing that I will not be able to accomplish my own objectives for the day. What should I do? What would you do?
I don’t have an iron clad rule for responding. I know it’s a piece of cake for many folks to say “no” to some unplanned, nonessential event. It’s a challenge that I face often because I like to say YES. I like to be the person who’s there, who can answer questions, help solve things, connect people to resources. That said, I’ve practiced over months and years to pause before responding, determine real urgency from perceived urgency, and either handle it now (if it’s a quick fix) or save it until the time I’ve set aside in my day for such items. While it might not seem a big deal to those seasoned in the “art of declining a response”, I am now comfortable with the discomfort of saying “no” or “not yet”. Better yet, I am proud to see how my increased focus benefits my work and those I serve.
Dogs and Busses
Admittedly, one of the most challenging parts of day to day life is staying on task, completing our goals, all while being tugged in so many different directions. Many of us give new meaning to the term multitasking. Here is a word of caution – don’t let the worry of failure keep you up at night. Don’t worry so much about what’s been left undone or conversation loops still open. Grow past your worries. Those kinds of thoughts will put your mind into overdrive and impose additional stress.
Take a lesson from dogs. Ever notice how at the end of the day (and often many times in between) a dog will easily turn a few circles, settle down with its head resting on its tail, and let out a sigh of contentment? Doesn’t matter that five minutes before they were engaged in a high energy activity, barking at passersby, or chasing a ball. When they settle, they release and relax. I watch our dogs do that every night. Something to aspire to, especially when we feel worried about change or things left undone. Carrying worry makes the work that much more difficult. Set it down. Simply settle and release.
My mom had a saying for me, when I felt disappointed because I wanted something to go a certain way or somebody to do a certain thing. She’d say, “There’s always another bus coming along.” Now, I lived in a rural area growing up. There literally were no more busses coming along. There wasn’t a bus every 10 minutes like she was used to when she lived in the city. That saying meant something to her and eventually, it ended up meaning a lot to me too. To this day, it helps me remember to not get fixated on “the bus” that I thought I needed to be on, but to stay focused on the moment and trust in the process and forward movement.
Moral of the story: Expect change. Accept Change.
Now that I’ve shared some of my tips and secrets, what’s one of your ingredients for success? Leave your thoughts in the comments, we’d love to hear your secret recipe! If you haven’t quite worked out your recipe yet, it’s likely that you could benefit from engaging a coach or mentor. If you’d like to see if we are a fit, book a quick exploratory call and discover how we can work together. I’m excited to hear about your journey and next steps.
